What will your bones say about you?

When  studying ancient Roman human remains, archaeologists are able to identify whether a person was a slave by studying the mineral content of that person’’s bones.  

Ancient Roman slaves were malnourished because they were fed a very low fruit and vegetable, high grain diet.  Grains are poor in micronutritional content.  Thus, the slaves’’ bones lack the minerals provided by a diet of  fruits and vegetables.  The upper classes, by comparison, had access to fruits and vegetables.  Accordingly, their bones have a much richer range of minerals than those of the slaves.

This got me thinking: in two thousand years when archaeologists dig up my bones what will their mineral content say?  

As a basement dweller, my diet was mostly grains and animal proteins, which are all poor in micronutritional content.  Do I have the bones – nay, the body of a malnourished peasant?

Like my fellow basement dwellers, I tend to be supremely lazy with respect to food preparation.  I am not going to all of a sudden learn a bunch of recipes or starting chopping all the ingredients for salads everyday.  Any realistic solution to my malnutrition must be lazy-proof.

Fortune smiled upon me.  I learned there is a trend that non-basement dwellers have been into for years now: just stick some vegetables in a blender.  Those fools incorrectly refer to it as a “smoothie.”  I need only drink my daily dose of this non-peasant-bones potion in a few large chugs in between bouts of Hearthstone and lo! I am no longer malnourished.

It’s caveman easy.  I got one of the many personal sized blenders from my internet retailer of choice. Personal blenders are about twenty five bucks and conveniently, are drinking glass and blender all in one.

The internet is full of complex smoothie recipes.  I avoid these.  Basement dwellers do not go to the grocery store several times a week to get a million different perishable ingredients for smoothies.

All I need is three ingredients: some sort of green (e.g. spinach, cabbage, lettuce, kale, etc.), a banana, and orange juice.   The greens have tons of micronutrition. Don’t like the taste of greens? Have no fear: the banana and orange juice make it always taste good.

There is just one trick you must remember: blend the greens first.  Chop enough greens to fill the personal blender about 1/4-1/3 full.  Fill with enough orange juice so the juice fills the glass about as high as the greens.  Blend really well until the greens are totally liquefied.  Then break the banana up into little pieces and put them in. Fill the personal blender with more juice until it reaches the full mark.  Blend again until the banana is liquefied.  Drink immediately.

You now possess the secret of the Anti-Malnutrition Potion.  Once you begin your potion crafting, you may revel in new found pride in knowing you are no longer a malnourished peasant.


Claude DeCave
About Claude DeCave 1 Article
Claude DeCave is the Discerning Basement Dweller.

2 Comments on What will your bones say about you?

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  2. Hi there! This post couldn’t be written much
    better! Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He continually kept preaching about this. I am going to forward
    this post to him. Fairly certain he will have a very good read.
    Thank you for sharing!

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