Five Types of Terrible Fans

Editor-in-Chief Andrew wants to know what level of sports fan you are. YAWN. The real question is: are you one of the good guys or the bad guys. Let me give you some examples of the latter.

Bandwagon Fans

Bandwagon fans.
Bandwagon fans.

These are the easiest guys to complain about. These are the guys who support a team the moment they become good stop watching the moment they start sucking. 99% of these “fans” do this without realizing everyone hates them.

We build up years of fan-points watching a team when they are bad, and that’s why we don’t like bandwagon fans. You don’t get to feel good and talk shit when your team is good unless you have the fortitude and stamina to take it when your team sucks. And a guy like Snoop Dogg who switches the team he supports each just every year subverts the process, he’s not a fan, he’s just a jerk in a shirt.

The “I’m a real fan” guy

Jul 24, 2014; Foxborough, MA, USA; New England Patriots wide receiver Kenbrell Thompkins (86) signs autographs following training camp at the team practice facility. Mandatory Credit: Stew Milne-USA TODAY Sports
Jul 24, 2014; Foxborough, MA, USA; New England Patriots wide receiver Kenbrell Thompkins (86) signs autographs following training camp at the team practice facility. Mandatory Credit: Stew Milne-USA TODAY Sports

This is actually a family of shitty fan archetypes. All of them think because of some activity of theirs, they are real experts and real fans of a team or sport. Here are some specific examples.

  1. One is the old timer, “What you don’t realize about Bobby Orr is how fast he was…” Yeah, sorry I’m not 100 years old like you. You realize that was 40~50 years ago… right?
  2. Another is the over-committed fan who spends way too much time trying to talk to players, and thinks anyone who doesn’t isn’t a real fan or doesn’t really know the players. This guy doesn’t just have a jersey, a hat, a sweatshirt… He’s got a jersey for each player signed by that guy. He goes to training camp, team member’s charity events, player appearances at the mall, etc. This is the kind of college football fan who tweets at recruits, and he thinks he knows these guys. “Well, when I was talking to Tom Brady, he said…” Don’t pretend you a player because he signed your shirt and shook your hand.
  3. The worst is the stately, “even-minded” fan. These guys think they are just better than you because they can separate a team from a sport. They sound like contrarian mad-libs, “You think he’s ____ [good/bad/overrated] because you are a homer,” – like it’s a dirty word – “if you weren’t such a big homer, you’d realize he’s ____ [crap/amazing/the greatest of all time].” Yeah, I am a homer, that’s my team. What’s wrong with you that you watch the NBA or the NFL and don’t like any of the teams?

Know-it-all Stats Nerds

nerdsThere’s nothing wrong with knowing stats or paying attention to them, it’s just when you use them to inappropriately that it becomes a problem. Here’s an example, “When the Broncos rush for 150 or more yards, they are 6-0, so they should rush the ball”. Uh, they rush the ball when they are up in games and trying to run out the clock. Or, Me: “the pass rush was killing Brady”, Know-it-all stats guy: “but he was only sacked three times”, “Yeah but he had no time in the pocket”, “Maybe, but the stats don’t back that up.” What game were you watching?

The Bullshit “Analysis” Guy


This guy is kind of the opposite of the “I’ve played Madden so I know all the X’s and O’s guy”, who at least knows something. The bullshit analysis guy watches the game and writes a two-hundred-word facebook post about how Cam Newton “failed to execute”, or how the Celtics should be starting David Young because he had that one nice dunk. These guys say shit like “Pete Carroll needs to speed the game up to keep the defense off balance”, and “they need to hit the quarterback”. Oh it’s that easy? You are fucking stupid.

Misogynistic Sports Bros

Men's Health once published an article about "How to Talk about Sports with Women". I can tell you how to do that: just like you would dudes. That's good advice for most topics.
Men’s Health once published an article about “How to Talk about Sports with Women”. I can tell you how to do that: just like you would dudes. That’s good advice for most topics.

Here are a few phrases I have heard sports fans say: “Girls don’t know anything about sports.” “Erin Andrews is a joke sniffer.” “She only likes Cam Newton because he’s handsome” (Yeah and tell me again what you like about Maria Sharapova’s game). “Nappy headed hos”. Okay the last one was Don Imus. Remember the piece who called a 13-year-old Mo’ne Davis a “slut”? Yeah fuck all these guys.

Sports is for everyone, and anyone can enjoy it however they want to. If you judge women for liking sports (or not liking sports), or for how they play sports or what they look like, then fuck you. You are one of the bad guys. You are the reason Serena Williams – easily the greatest American solo athlete since Tiger Woods – makes less in endorsements than Maria Sharapova. You are the reason women don’t hang out in sports bars and you are the reason the shirt below got made. You’re ruining it for the rest of us join us, in the 21st century already.

About Joshua Schofield 3 Articles
Joshua Schofield is a Waltham, Massachusetts native, a UMass Amherst Grad, and a current resident of Dallas, Texas. His favorite teams are the Minutemen, the Red Sox, the Bruins and the Patriots. He is starting to like the NHL Stars and Dallas FC, but he doesn't think he'll ever like the Cowboys.

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